Four Months

Four months on. time for an update.
I have just started my exercise referral. In essence this means I get to use the local gym/pool for £2.80 a time. The referral comes from my physiotherapist. Once again, though, I stumbled onto the opportunity by accident. Nobody told me about it. I just wandered into the gym and asked what was available. So this morning I had my first session. With a Fitness Instructor. Was more difficult than the physio as the minimum weights in most of the machines are 5kgs - rather than the 2kgs I'm used to. This means I have to be careful not to overdo it or injure myself inadvertently.

And next week I will use the pool. Getting in will be alright. Getting out will be a great deal trickier. There is a hoist. but I'm damned if I'm being lifted out of the pool - at least not with the lights on! My visits to physio will reduce to twice a week from early April - supplemented by the these gym and pool sessions. This must be progress.

I am still on my crutches and still not fully weight bearing. My ankle movement is still limited although my knee is almost 100%. 'Walking' round the block is exhausting. The local shop, though, is manageable. I am still eligible for patient transport and still haven't managed to use a bus. I think, though, I can now walk to my GP's surgery - just... My wheelchair can probably be returned to the Red Cross - perhaps after I have seen my consultant next week.

I have had a letter from my employer informing me about half pay. This is frightening - and very complicated. Three conversations with patient HR staff and I still only vaguely understand it. Sick pay is worked out on a calender year - but also over four years. (This means that as well as my injury leaving a physical and perhaps mental legacy, my time off work now will continue to have an impact over several years.) And weekends and public holidays count as sick days on continuous sick leave.

I have to start sorting out my finances. As I will go back to work on a 'phased return' I will almost certainly run out of full sick pay. This means that future sick days will be paid at half rate. A future operation (or two) for example. A stomach upset or the flu. Stress. Or a setback with my injury. A drop in income is guaranteed. So now I am investigating my finances, reducing my mortgage (thank god for the ridiculously low interest rates), raiding my savings to pay off my loan, and binning my credit card. Reduced mobility tends to cut down spending on some things - but it increases on others - particularly transport. Taxis do not come cheap.

I am as skinny as ever. 50kgs at last count. This is largely to do with lost muscle tone. But cooking also remains a drag. Eating in the kitchen isn't much fun - although the radio helps. I am practically a local down at Ambridge... I have less assistance now that I'm four months on. More independence is required. I can eat at the pub next door. But its expensive and often full.

My mood still swings and I have almost no tolerance for what I perceive as bullshit. I have been badly behaved in a local community group meeting and stupidly upset by a canceled lunch appointment. I am visibly shaken when I see a policeman on the street, and passing trucks are too big, too close and too loud. Listening to a House of Lords debate on cycle safety the other night was odd. Reading about Hillsborough (20 years ago in May) also very unsettling. I assume this will dissipate over time - but its worrying nonetheless. However, my concentration has improved. I am ploughing through books and spending less time on the Internet.

Here in Edinburgh spring has arrived. Its hard to be miserable when the sparrows are singing on the skylight and my flat is filled with sunshine. Healing requires a focus on the present - not the future or the past. One breath at a time. One step at a time. Its so easy to write...